


california world

by gothxclaudia



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Real Person Fiction
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, California, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Cuddling & Snuggling, Flirting, Fluff, Homelessness, Homophobia, House Party, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, No Smut, Partying, Past Drug Use, Pick-Up Lines, Platonic Cuddling, Possibly Unrequited Love, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Dancing, Summer, dreamnotfound, sapnap and george are good homies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:28:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 21,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28219224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothxclaudia/pseuds/gothxclaudia
Summary: in which george is a street kid in downtown los angeles and clay is a struggling youtuber from florida trying to support his best friend.dream x georgetw; alcohol & drug use, mentions of violence, swearing, homophobiathe chapters are named after songs by pity party (girls club), go listen to their stuff, they're amazing.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 32





	1. i don't feel a thing

i'm sat on the rock hard concrete sidewalk, leaning my back against an equally solid brick wall. really i've been sitting here all day, with not much to do. a few days ago i was kicked out of yet another shelter and since then all i've been doing is thinking.

once again in my life i have nowhere to go, no purpose to my existence. i should be out grinding, getting money but to be honest i've just felt numb recently. too tired to look for work. i can't just trust anyone out here either, as that would be a one-way ticket to hell. the streets are filled with backstabbers.

i sigh when suddenly a familiar voice calls out my name.

"george!"

i jolt up, scanning the area around me.

"george!" he shouts again. it's nick. he's running towards me, wildly flailing his arms in excitement.

"nick! dude!"  
"oh my god george," he rambles while taking a seat next to me, "i'm so happy to see you man! it's been ages! i almost thought you was a goner."  
"it's really only been like a week, but sure," i point out and laugh.  
"basically the same thing. also, look what i got!"

he pulls a few packs of cigarettes from his pockets, grinning widely at me.

"dude, you're a lifesaver!" i exclaim, snatching one from his hand, "how much money did you make?"  
"bold of you to assume i used money," he states.

we both laugh, collectively lighting our cigarettes and looking out over the almost empty streets.

"so what's been going on with you? any new girls?"  
"sadly no," i frown, "i was kicked out of that shelter too, things aren't going great at the moment."  
"fuck really? i was hoping i could slide my way in there."

"how about you? what was the name of that girl you used to fuck with?"  
"julia?" he wonders, taking a drag, "haven't seen her in a long time."  
"shit, i'm sorry man. i could tell you liked her."  
"yeah, i swear i'll never find someone like that again."

the conversation dies out. i take one last drag of my cigarette before throwing it to the asphalt, then i quickly pull out my phone to check the time. i realize it's almost 9 pm, giving me just over an hour to get to the mall before they close so i can use their wi-fi to call clay.

i hate calling clay and begging for money, i know that he's having a rough time too, but at the same time he's always stating that he loves helping me. we've become insanely close friends during the past couple of months and i know that he'll always stay by my side, no matter what happens.

i believe i've even developed feelings for him, that's how far it's gone. and it's not because he plugs me with shit, it's because he's a genuinely amazing guy who on top of that is far too attractive for his own good.

i stand up, groaning and stretching.

"i gotta go talk to clay, need money, you coming?"  
"again? poor dude," nick points out.  
"i know i know, but is dumpster diving better? or starving? is that what you're feeling tonight?"  
"nah, i get it."

"so what, you coming or not?"  
"of course i'm coming dude, give me your hand," he chuckles.

i take his hand and pull him up from the ground.

slowly we walk towards the mall, under the warm glow of the suns last rays.

"i wouldn't wanna lose you out here again."


	2. i'm working so you don't have to try

i close the bathroom stall behind me, hitting clay on facetime. i ruffle my dark hair around in an attempt to make it look better while i eagerly wait for him to pick up. i have to at least look presentable in front of clay.

when his face appears on my screen i instantly smile. his messy, dirt blonde hair is partly covering his beautiful green eyes, and his light freckles are like the extra sugar on top of the cinnamon bun. too cute for the world. i need to hide the fact that i'm already blushing.

he smiles back at me.

"hey george! everything good?"  
"to be completely honest, no.."

his smile fades into a mere frown. he knows exactly what that means.

"look, i'm always gonna have your back alright? but i really don't have much money right now. i'm sorry."  
"nothing?" i plead.

"i'll.. i'll send you $20," he carefully agrees, "but that's only because i love you."  
"thank you so much clay! i love you too!" i cheer, "what would i do without you?"  
"i don't know, what would you do without me?"

i giggle, searching for any sign of happiness in clay's expression. but he remains dead serious.

"hey george, i've been meaning to tell you about this for a while now, i just haven't gotten the chance to since you're pretty hard to reach," he starts, "but i've got a friend, truck driver, who's making a delivery this weekend, to la. a-and since i really want to meet you, i thought, why not just go with him? i don't have the money to afford a plane ticket anyway.."

he goes silent. i'm at a loss for words. clay's coming to meet me? what?

"i-i mean, only if you want-"  
"of course i want you to!" i interrupt, "i just don't think you'll like it out here, sleeping rough with me."  
"i don't care," he says, his expression softening again, "i just want to meet you, and you know, have a good time with you and nick."

i let out an audible 'awww' to clay's delight. he wheezes and oh my god, the adorable face he makes whenever he wheezes. this visit won't be easy to get through, i realize.

"so when are you coming?" i ask, practically jumping up and down with elation and excitement.  
"hopefully monday, i'm not sure though."  
"do you seriously expect me to be able to wait until monday?"  
"no, but you don't have a choice," he grins mockingly.

suddenly the mall speakers crackle, interrupting the soft distant piano music to announce that closing time is in 10 minutes. i sigh at the thought of having to leave clay once again.

"sounds like my cue to leave."  
"well, if we don't hear from each other by monday expect that i've arrived already."  
"i'll make sure to get in contact so we can find each other," i respond, clicking my tongue.

"see you george," clay smiles one last time.  
"bye clay."

i unlock the stall door only to be attacked by nick outside. he engulfs me in a hug, and even though i'm confused and taken aback by his sudden action, i firmly hug him back.

"clay is coming to meet us!" he cheers, making us both laugh under the painfully bright light of the mall bathroom.


	3. somewhere in the universe

nick is laughing his ass off at something i don't understand. he's clearly had enough to drink, and while i'm not the most stable either i let him lean against me as we walk over the street, away from the red club lights. as soon as we get to the other side he stumbles, almost hitting his head on the curb as he falls.

"nick?" i call out, "nick? are you okay man? do you need some water?"  
"yes please," he slurs, rolling over on the ground.

i grab my water bottle, opening it up and putting it to his lips. he sits up and slowly drinks a few mouthfuls just to collapse again seconds later.

"god, what did you take?"

i try to help him up but my arms are floppy, so all i manage to do is pull him up onto the sidewalk. looks like we're staying the night here.

"tired," he mumbles.

i lean my back against the building behind us, pulling nick onto my lap and holding him still with my arms. california nights get cold too so we do this often for warmth. i rest my head on top of his, face in his short, light brown hair. he smells like tobacco, sweat and booze but i'm used to it.

he crawls even closer, hugging me tightly like the world around him is spinning, because it probably is. it doesn't take long for him to drift off after that. i can even hear his quiet snores over the sound of the scarce traffic and the faint music coming from the clubs across the street.

i watch the traffic lights change in slow-motion, the prostitutes along the alleys talk incoherently with their customers, the headlights on the passing cars blinding me. we're just somewhere in the universe. it's all making me feel dizzy. or was i already dizzy?

the streetlight above us flickers a couple of times before coincidentally shutting off completely. i can't really feel my fingers anymore. my vision darkens, and before i know it i've fallen into a deep sleep.


	4. sleeping in

"hey wake up, lazy fuck," i mumble, carefully slapping nick on the cheek several times. he's leaning his head against my shoulder, sitting in roughly the same position as he fell asleep in last night. today though, he's looking hungover and gray as ever.

"let me sleep man," he grumbles, only shifting slightly beside me.  
"we gotta get to the mall, clay's coming today."  
"clay? is it monday already?" he wonders, almost inaudibly. i nod. "damn i thought it was, like, saturday."

"you're fucked up. what the hell did you take yesterday?" i ask as i light a cigarette.  
"i don't know man. i barely remember yesterday."  
"it better not have been anything heavy, you know i'd kill you."  
"don't worry, it was probably just ecstasy or something," he yawns, sitting up straight.

"good. i don't want to lose you to anything bad."  
"well i don't wanna lose you to any shit either so you better behave."  
"i will," i chuckle, taking another drag.

i use all my strength and power to stand up and stretch my sore limbs. nick tries to do the same but just stumbles backwards and falls flat on his ass again.

"god, you're starting to become a real junkie," i comment, sighing.  
"i'm sorry," he pleads with puppy eyes, "i promise i'll better myself, now pull me up will you?"

i help him against my will, immediately turning to walk to the mall. the sun burns against my skin, it's probably past noon already judging by its position in the sky. i feel nauseous, but also painfully hungry. i doubt we have any spare money though, so i guess i'll have to go empty until clay arrives.

the fact that i so heavily rely on him to get me through the day is truly cringeworthy. he already doesn't have much money for himself, yet he still chooses to spend a bunch on a street junkie down in la. i don't know if that means anything special, surely he wouldn't give me any if he didn't want to.

the thought of being special to clay awakens the butterflies in my stomach, making me very visibly crack a smile.

"why you look like the joker?" nick questions, snapping me out of my thought process.  
"i-i'm just excited to meet clay, i guess," i stutter, mentally smacking myself.

"you're so in love with him dude!"  
"i'm not in love with him, he's just... really cute?"  
"awwww," nick exclaims, grabbing me with one arm and pulling me closer to him, "couple of the year."  
"calm down, i haven't even met the guy yet."  
"i have a strong feeling you guys will get along just fine."

i wonder how clay will react to us, to me, in real life. both me and nick are very touchy-feely type of guys, we have no problem cuddling up to each other on a chilly night and we often hug to show our love for one another. hopefully clay is the same.

a few minutes later we have the mall in sight and i start dashing across the street to connect to their wi-fi, avoiding all the traffic. as soon as i have a connection messages from clay pop up.

\- clay  
the city's in sight :)  
|  
we're almost by the delivery point now  
|  
text me the address as soon as you see this

i quickly type out the address to the mall, flinching when nick grabs my shoulders, jumping up and down in excitement.

"is he here? when's he coming?"  
"soon," i assure him, rolling my eyes.


	5. all my friends

"george!" clay shouts as i launch into his embrace, "i'm so happy to see you man!"  
"me too," i mumble, face buried into clay's chest.

he smells sweet like candy, not sweaty or boozy like nick, no offense. an endearing warmth spreads throughout my body as he holds me, gently chuckling out of pure happiness. i can feel his heart beating hard and fast, making a blush creep up my neck and onto my cheeks.

he suddenly lets go of me, the hug only lasting for a few short second to my disappointment. i shy away from him to hide my red face when he grabs nick and gives him a hug too.

"welcome to the glamorous la," nick smiles, "you'll be seeing the less fancy side of this place staying with us."  
"i don't mind," clay reassures him.

"we'll try to get into a shelter tonight."  
"i haaate shelters," i whine, "i always just get my shit stolen and almost step on needles full of hepatitis scattered over the floor."  
"well there's food, and showers," nick laughs, ruffling my hair, "you've just gotta man up georgie."  
"don't call me that."

clay does his signature wheeze and points towards a nearby taco bell.

"i figured you guys must be starving, so let's go get some food."

-

nick and i just inhaled our plates to the amusement of clay.

"you guys really were hungry," he points out.  
"of course, what else did you think?"

he shrugs, taking another bite from his taco. after he's finished his meal he smiles at me, like something's on his mind. i feel awkward being looked at, so i start speaking.

"clay, i really can't thank you enough for this. i mean, you came here all the way from florida to meet two bums without money and now you're feeding us. kudos to you."

his grin only grows larger as he replies.

"it's nothing. you guys are two of my best friends and it's honestly not a burden at all. i just wish i was rich so i could buy an apartment for you. you deserve it after all you've been through."  
"awww," nick squeals audibly. both me and clay start laughing.

"i really mean it though," he says after his laughing fit, "and, nick, if you don't mind me asking, how did you end up on the streets? i know about what happened to george but i haven't gotten to talk serious stuff with you yet."

"it's fine. my parents kicked me out on my 18th birthday, i guess cause they just didn't want me in the house. i was one of the stoner kids and it didn't sit well with my asshole of a dad. he kept abusing me and my mom, so i probably would've run away on my own eventually anyways. i've been out here for a little over a year now, and honestly it's better than having to endure that nightmare back at home. i just wish there was some way to get my life together."

"damn man, i'm sorry. shit's tough."

the sound of their conversation fades as my mind drifts away, solely admiring the beauty in front of me that is clay. he's even prettier in real life, which shouldn't be physically possible. i watch the way he shapes his lips as he speaks, his occasional smiles and wheezes, the way his beautiful green eyes glisten in the sunlight, how he brushes strands of wavy blonde hair away from in front of his face.

he's a work of art. i find myself stuck in this trance for far too long. i must seem like a freak.


	6. cotton candy grapes

"you wanna go on something?"

the flashing lights from the theme park rides mixed with the loud edm music are making me nostalgic, reminding me of memories that never existed. inside there are cute pop-up shops selling cotton candy and colorful lollipops. mixed in with the beautiful pink sunset it all looks like a scene from a movie. a movie starring us three idiots, the height of californian history.

nick rushes in before i can even stop him, glowing with excitement like a little kid.

"i just... feel bad about wasting your money, you know?" i say.  
"it's fine," clay smiles, placing a hand on my shoulder, "i'm here to treat you guys."  
"shouldn't we save to afford a hotel?"  
"i'll get paid soon anyway. i hope. let's just have some fun, stop thinking about the future so much!"

and with that, clay takes my hand, pulling me into the crowd. the laughter of kids and teens surround me, as well as cheers from the nearby ball games. nick is waving to us from over at the spinning teacups. he looks just as happy as those kids. seeing him this over the moon makes me feel good too. he's like a brother to me, a best friend i could never let go of.

as we pass through the scattering crowd, i become more and more aware of clay's warm hand in mine. how our fingers are so perfectly intertwined. like they belong together. the warm touch spirals out into the rest of my body, reaching all the way up to my face eventually. i try to hide it to no avail.

nick is clearly giggling at me glowing bright red and all i can hope is that clay won't notice it.

"we getting tickets?" clay wonders, abruptly letting go of my hand. i instantly miss the feeling.  
"hell yeah," nick hypes, practically jumping up and down.

clay pays for 3 tickets and we're let into the ride. we pick a baby blue cup with flowers on it, or more correctly, nick picks it as he's constantly running ahead of us. we have to squeeze together to fit inside of it, me of course being in the middle because i'm the smallest.

"eww nick, take a shower," i jokingly complain, covering my nose.  
"i could say the same about you man, you smell like grandpa who's been out in the fields the whole day," nick hits back.

clay, of course, just wheezes at our insults. it's what he's best at.

"you guys are so cute," he points out as the cups start spinning.

nick looks at him, then at me, then bursts out laughing. he knows too much.

a few kids in a different cup start screaming as the ride picks up speed, meanwhile i'm just enjoying the little thrill it's giving me. the blinking lightbulbs in a nearby kiosk pass by quicker than lightning. all the colors start mashing together. like an escape from reality.


	7. amante

"awww, that's adorable!" nick gasps, referring to something behind me. i swiftly turn to look too, only to be surprised by clay holding a tiny white stuffed teddy bear in his hand. he's absolutely beaming, happily skipping towards me.

"i hope you like teddy bears george," he says, "cause this one's for you."

he hands the fluffy creature over to me, our fingertips merely brushing against each other as i grab it. i look at the teddy in awe, feeling the heat slowly creeping its way up to my shoulders, my neck and finally, my face. it's barely bigger than my hand, with beady black eyes and a small bow tied around it.

why would clay give this to me? i feel... special. almost like it's a date gift. except it's not, we're just at a carnival with friends. as friends.

nick is throwing me several smug glances so i give him a death glare back.

"d-do you like it?" clay hesitantly asks. damn, that's the first time i've ever heard him stutter before.  
"of course i like it," i smile, my cheeks shifting back to the crimson red of before, "i love it. thank you."

clay returns my smile as the conversation dies out. nick starts giggling at my flustered expression, and i have to hit him to get him to stop. he's making this too obvious.

"oh, by the way!" clay exclaims, "i bought you guys tickets for the ferris wheel!"  
"don't you wanna go?"  
he starts fiddling with the hem of his shirt as he replies: "i'm kinda scared of heights, i'd rather not."

"come on, you'll do just fine! i don't need to go, you go with george instead," nick enthusiastically suggests.  
"it's a good way to get used to it i guess," i agree just because i want clay close to me.  
"i don't know man.."  
"please?"

i tug gently on his wrist, trying to drag him towards the ferris wheel. he looks down at me, into my puppy eyes and laughs quietly.

"whatever. i guess i'll go."

i'm close to throwing myself into his arms like i'd do with nick but i stop myself, remembering that this is clay. it's different. instead i politely start walking towards the ride, catching one last glimpse of nick behind us who's got the "thank me later" look on his face.

i can't help but feel a deep excitement. finally i get to spend some time alone with clay. and on a big ferris wheel of all places. i'll get to see the entire town, all the lit up streets and alleyways and the classic suburban homes. and i'll get to see clay, of course. i can picture it all in my mind.

clay hands our tickets in and we're let into one of the seats. he still looks like he's heavily doubting this, the worry in his expression only growing as time passes. after a family is let into the pod below us we start steadily climbing upwards, leaving the safety below.

i notice clay staring intensely at the ground and tapping his foot aggressively, so i nudge him lightly to make him look at me instead. he immediately diverts his attention, now focusing on my shy gaze.

he takes a deep breath, keeping his eyes where i want them. they're pearly, shimmering in all the colors of the carnival, his silky hair flowing freely in the wind. i can feel him inching closer to me, but i can't tell if it's intentional or done out of fear. i'd hoped to be able to enjoy the beautiful scenery around us, but this is much better. much much better.

"can i hold your hand?"

the question catches me off guard.

"y-yes."

carefully he takes my hand - which is much smaller in comparison to his - and holds it not tightly enough so that it hurts, but still tight. i notice him get calmer from the skin contact. i can feel my heart pumping in my throat, in my ears and everywhere else too for that matter.

clay's cheeks are tinted faintly pink, which doesn't help me. the neon lights outlining the wheel gives his complexion an exotic glow that i can't take my eyes off of. i swear i've stopped breathing. his every characteristic is flawless, from his adorable freckles to his perfectly shaped lips.

all i want is to grab him by his waist and tell him about all these feelings that are driving me insane. tell him how he's making me feel like a million dollars and more, tell him how much i want to cuddle up in his lap and fall asleep with the smell of his cologne still in my nose. tell him how much i want for him to just love me back.


	8. slumped

clay's laughter drowns out all other sounds around me, loud and obnoxious as they are. i don't mind at all. it's like a sweet melody to my ears.

i've forgotten what he's laughing at, what we were talking about earlier. i've even forgotten where we're heading, and where we came from. my mind is stuck on clay, and only clay. i'm so stupidly infatuated. how much longer will i be able to keep this in?

"alright, okay, how about..." clay hums after his laughter has died down, "are you a parking ticket? cause you've got fine written aaaall over you!"  
"oh my god, what's wrong with you?" i giggle at the verge of tears from the embarrassment.

ah yes, the pick up lines. they've been rolling out the entire night, and with each one i turn more red, only adding to clay's motivation. does he think it's cute? i kinda hope so. i hope he thinks i'm cute.

as he goes silent for a few moments, probably to come up with another line, i turn around to see a lonely nick walking a few feet behind us. god, i feel horrible for making him the third wheel. i just wanted all three of us to have fun together, to enjoy life while clay is still in la. nick's stare is burning into the sidewalk in front of him, almost like he's ashamed of something.

"come on nick," i say and reach my hand out for him to take, only to be met with the same guilt inducing silence as before. he shrugs, shaking his head. my attention is soon brought back to clay, wheezing his lungs off as usual. i decide i'll just have to treat nick later, maybe buy him a ten pack of marlboros, or give him a blow or something, whatever he wants honestly. he's my best friend, my ride or die. i can't keep doing him dirty like this.

i hug my teddy as it's starting to get cold, and clay has yet to start up the conversation again. i gaze out over the city stretching miles ahead of us.

in the distance, multicolored lights from the beach are flickering as the last beach party goers start to make their way home, drunk and most likely drugged too.

i remember my first year of freedom when i would do just that. go to whatever party i could find, take anything and everything to forget or to 'have fun' as i would've put it back then. trying to live that hippie rockstar lifestyle, so glamorous on paper but so destructive in real life. i didn't know half of what i was in for.

i'm scanning the nearby area for a good sleeping spot, discreet and sheltered enough when clay suddenly catches me off guard.

"how was heaven when you left it?"

i instantly feel the blood racing up to my cheeks. clay doesn't even laugh. he just smirks at me, eyes glowing with joy.

"what?"  
"yeah, i thought i saw someone falling from the sky. wasn't it you?"

i hide my bright red face in my hands, giggling at the seemingly serious question. this is going too far. i can't control my emotions anymore, and i'm afraid they'll spill out for the world to see. why is he flirting with me this much? if only he knew.

"stop!" i complain, still blushing like a middle school girl.   
"don't you like it george? i see you going red," clay taunts.  
"can we get to sleep already? i'm tired of your bullshit."

nick speaks up for the first time in ages, pointing towards a hidden alley behind an italian restaurant.

"that place looks decent. they might throw out some food too, so we get a free breakfast."  
"sure," i agree, pulling both him and clay in between the buildings.

a mixed odor of greasy cooking oil and cheese hits us we approach the back door of the restaurant, but neither of us have the energy to care. we've walked far enough today, and i just want to sit down and get a good nights rest for once.

clay places himself to the right, furthest away from the back door, and nick sits down to the left of me. i find my own spot in the middle, a good four feet away from both of them. i'm just about to curl up and close my eyes when nick yawns, opening his arms.

"c'mere," he mumbles.

i crawl closer, eventually finding my way into his familiar embrace. the warmth helps me relax.

"don't be shy clay," i chuckle quietly, motioning for him to join us. without a word he gives in, snuggling up to me and nick as the world around me slows down more and more. before i know it i'm drifting off, clay's silky blonde locks brushing against the back of my neck.


	9. expiration

"morning sleeping beauty!"

i'm woken up by clay violently nudging me. i groan, putting my hand on my sore neck that's been bent the entire night. nick's wild stubble is itchy against my forehead, so i slowly escape his grip to prevent him from waking up.

a streak of sunlight that's found its way into the depressing alley shines straight into my eye as i stand up to stretch. the air is thick with moisture and feels as greasy as the nearby restaurant.

i look down at the sleeping nick who seems confused at what to hold on to now that i'm gone. even though my teddy bear is quite a few times smaller than me i decide it'll do, and lean down to safely place it in his arms. he grips it tightly and stops his nervous twisting.

"that's cute," clay points out.  
"i know right, i mean have you seen anything cuter?"  
"i could definitely think of one thing.."

he gives me a smug glance, and a confident smirk, making me lose my breath momentarily. i know he's only joking, just messing with me, yet i can't keep my cool. i despise it. at the same time, i'm wishing he'll keep going. wishing it was real.

clay clears his throat, breaking the awkward silence.

"they gave me some food by the way! pasta i believe."

he shows off a white take-out box with some oil leaking out the side of it.

"maybe not a lot, but i hope it's enough for us. i could just buy more if we're hungry."  
"save your money dude," i advise, "we'll need it."  
"food?"

nick grumbles something more before stumbling towards us, sleepy and confused, my teddy in a chokehold.

"did i hear food?"  
"god you're fat," i complain.  
"i'm only hungry."  
"whatever. just don't eat it all."

clay opens the box, revealing a nice pile of spaghetti coated in leftover tomato sauce. i think i can spot some meat hidden underneath the mountain too. can't complain about this breakfast. we find a sunny spot where we sit down and start digging in.

"how was your first night on the streets clay?" i chuckle, chewing on the tough spaghetti.  
"as good as sleeping rough can be, i guess," he responds, showing me one of those blinding smiles of his.

"well you better get used to it unless we find some soggy shelter," nick chimes in, "and you won't like those either."  
"it'll be fine, i'll be paid soon, we can just stay at a motel then."

"how do you know? isn't youtube kind of unpredictable?"  
"yes, but i should be getting a sponsorship or something by the end of the month," clay explains, "i think. i hope so at least."  
"let's keep that hope up then."

two employees from the restaurant exit through the back door for a smoke break. they lean against the metal railing outside, talking inaudibly. my fingers start to itch for a smoke as i see them light theirs. i take one last bite out of my breakfast before reaching for the pack in my back pocket.

as i pull a cigarette out, clay pokes me on the shoulder, wordlessly asking me to give him one for himself. i obey, flipping the lid off of my lighter. he puts it in between his lips and leans closer to me so i can light both at the same time. his hand brushes against mine for less than a second as we take synchronized drags, and that alone is enough to get me on edge.

"guys," nick announces suddenly, mouth full of pasta sauce, "i know a party tonight if y'all wanna go. a friend of a friend of mine's. nothing special, just some chill music and hot girls."

i swear i see him wink at me while mentioning the 'hot girls'. i subtly roll my eyes before replying.

"we'd never say no to that, right clay?"  
"of course not," he grins, exhaling.


	10. girls club

"welcome boys!" jack cheers as we approach the front door of his standard looking middle class home.  
"thanks for inviting us man," nick grins, butting his cigarette, "it's been a while."  
"it sure has."

a girl is throwing up in the dense bushes beside us, and a few feet further away a couple is arguing about something petty. just your typical house party.

clay puts his elbow on my shoulder, using me as an armrest while nick catches up with his old friend.

"how you doin' shorty?"

i glance up at him to find that he's smirking and giving me that unbearably hot look of his. normally i would've been fuming over the whole armrest situation, but because clay is clay i just giggle and go red.

"i'm doing just fine."

jack flips his greased up brown hair and starts showing us inside, occasionally stopping to say some words to strangers passing by. a well-known edm song is blasting on full volume as we enter. people are scattered everywhere; some are taking shots by the kitchen counter, some are dancing on the living room table and some are lounging on the couch, smoking weed.

nick dives straight towards the stoners, as per usual. they're his family. i grab clay by his wrist, pulling him over to the drinks and eyeing them up.

"i don't wanna get too drunk honestly, i just wanna enjoy the night," i tell him, picking up a random shot glass and pouring it straight down my throat. i cringe slightly at the burning sensation, even though i'm used to it.

"then i'll enjoy it with you," he smiles, replicating my action.  
"i never would've thought you liked parties."  
"well then you thought wrong," he laughs, "i've done a fair share of crazy shit in my life, it's just that i haven't had the time to go out and have fun lately. youtube, you know."

"yet you still travel all the way over to this shithole to meet me and nick and sleep on the streets every night? i love your logic."

he takes another shot before sticking his tongue out at me and pointing towards an empty corner on the couch, barely visible because of all the moving bodies in the way.

"you wanna go smoke?"  
"of course."

clay takes my hand as i reach the other out to grab a nearly empty bottle of gin for drinking. our fingers perfectly intertwine, and as if the temperature in the room wasn't already high enough, it just rose by another 10 degrees.

he safely leads me through the crowd of people and pulls me down to sit with him when we've found our spots. i put my leg up over his, feeling a bit more confident now that i've got some alcohol in my system. even though there's practically no need to hold my hand anymore, clay doesn't let go. it makes me feel special.

at the other side of the couch nick has pitched his tent for the night. he's surrounded by a group of girls, intently looking at him blow impressive smoke rings of all shapes and sizes. they giggle and ask for lessons. no wonder nick is such a smoke ring magician considering he spent all four of his high school years sitting on his ass doing this. and i don't blame the girls for crowding around him, he's a pretty damn hot guy if i can say so myself. i'm just worrying about what's to come after he's done with his shenanigans since i don't think he can take six girls at once.

i watch clay roll a blunt with dreaming eyes. the flashing lights accentuate his already attractive features, and i just can't take my eyes off of him. i'm falling way too hard.

he lights up and then passes it to me. as i take my drag, he lets go of my hand to instead wrap his arm around me, pulling me a little closer. carefully i rest my head on his shoulder, sighing contently. i can feel my body and mind relaxing, mostly from the weed but also from clay's touch.

it all feels surreal, like a never ending dream. i take a small sip from the bottle of gin, letting my brain wander. not even the loud music disturbs our moment.


	11. gemini

clay's pulling me out of the house, out onto the grass lawn where decorations and solo cups are scattered all over. the last people are dropping now that the music's been shut off due to noise complaints. what a way to ruin a perfectly fine night.

clay lets go of me and lays down on the damp ground like he doesn't have a care in the world. i stand still just looking at him, unsure of if i want to get my clothes all soggy and disgusting voluntarily. he opens his eyes, throwing me a drunken glance from below.

"why are you just standing there?"  
"it's kinda cold," i complain, "can't we go back inside?"

he groans, extending his arms out like he's trying to grab me.

"no," he slurs, "come lie with me baby."

i giggle at the nickname, my heart becoming a little excited. i know he's drunk and just messing around, but it stills stirs up some kinda feelings in me. he's so adorable.

without hesitation i sit down by his side, fiddling with my thumbs to try and escape the tense situation. what if he knows what i'm feeling? i'm not the hardest to read with my childish expressions and awkward body language.

"no, like, with me."

and at that, he wraps one arm around my upper body and the other around my right leg, pulling me down all the way on top of him. i'm impressed at his strength and precise coordination even at the state he's in.

my head rests on his chest, and the leg he's holding crosses his body. i close my eyes, relaxing as he softly strokes my dirty hair. if i could i would stay here with him forever.

"this is nice," i comment.  
"i know. you're really nice to cuddle. nicer than teddy."  
"you're just trying to make me flustered."  
"no, i mean it."

clay brings teddy up to my face, making it give me a kiss on the nose. i cringe at the little gesture but inside i'm dying from how sweet he is. i crawl closer to his left side, so that my ear is positioned just above his heart. i listen to it beat faster and faster, almost in the same pace as mine. his chest rises and falls as he breathes, gifting me with a wonderful sense of security.

"you know, the only reason i came here was to be with you."  
"what?"  
"yeah, i just really wanted to meet you," he laughs, holding me tight.  
"damn."

i push myself off of him for a little bit, but only to see his face. it's tinted hot pink, and the bright smile he gives me is infectious. he lifts his hands up to cup my cheeks, letting his fingertips tangle into my hair. i almost forget how to breathe.

"c-cause you're so kind to me, you always make my days, a-and... i think you're cute," he stutters.  
"you're drunk."  
"you're cute."  
"and high."  
"and you're still really cute."

i catch him glancing at my lips. he's not himself right now, remember?

but i couldn't care less. i lean in, my nose grazing his before our lips finally collide. i swear i can feel my heart stop as we sloppily try to enjoy each other. with a firm grip around my neck and head, he pushes me to deepen the kiss. butterflies are flooding my stomach, my lungs and my entire bloodstream. his lips are soft like baby skin, and dance with mine in a beautifully messy way.

sadly good things don't last forever. eventually we're forced to part for air, both of us out of breath. clay is speechless, and i can't say i'm doing much better either. he hugs me and sits up, keeping me close in his lap. if his eyes weren't wild and sparkling before, they sure are now.

a hushed "wow" is all i can say. he seems to agree.

"look behind you, up on the hill," he whispers, pointing at something.

hidden in blooming trees and bushes a luxurious mansion stands its ground, overlooking the big blue ocean. i couldn't ever dream of such luxury, as the broke street kid i am.

"one day when i'm rich i'll spend all the money i own to buy you a house like that in malibu."  
"w-what? no."  
"i promise."  
"then you better come live with me."

he smiles, nodding as if the answer wasn't already obvious.

when i swiftly look away he steals a hot, wet kiss on my cheek, making me seriously feel some type of way. shivers rush down my spine, and my thoughts swim around in the liquid pool that my brain has become. i can't think straight, i can't even move. so i stay there for the rest of the night, admiring my best friend - or whatever he is at this point - until we both pass out in the backyard, long after the party's ended.


	12. i'd never leave

bright lights are fading in, slowly but surely blinding me. i shut my eyes again, turning away from the light source.

a pair of arms are gently wrapped around my body. i realize that i'm still laying on top of clay - just like how we fell asleep last night - and i automatically smile upon feeling his body heat and his smooth, tanned skin.

the memories are cloudy, but they're definitely there. hopefully he remembers too. hopefully he didn't kiss me just because he was drunk and bored.

suddenly clay shifts under me, raising his arms to stretch. without the safety straps holding me in place i tumble to the ground beside us, causing me to lose air for a moment.

"god, that scared me," i groan, rubbing my side.  
"sorry man," clay yawns, "i just had to."

i laugh at his uncoordinated movements as he attempts to relieve some of the soreness in his limbs.

"you got a headache?"  
"no, just feeling kinda shitty," he mumbles.

"i wonder why," i joke, humming as if i don't already know the reason.  
"because you're not hugging me of course."  
"aww, you big baby, come here then."

i bring him into a loving embrace, holding teddy in one of my hands. he buries his face into my shoulder, crawling up into my lap to get as close to me as possible. i really want to place a kiss on his temple but i stop myself, realizing that it might be too much. instead i just nuzzle his fluffy hair, inhaling the smell of weed and the very faint scent of sweet shampoo.

we sit like that for way too long for it to be classified as a simple bro hug, and yet neither of us are thinking about letting go anytime soon. i notice clay happily sighing. it feels like i'm in heaven. but deep down a lump of anxiety is starting to build up, a lump full of questions. does he remember kissing me? it spins inside of my head.

"hey clay?" i say, voice shaking a little.  
"what?"

he looks up at me, sunlight reflecting in his breathtaking emerald eyes.

"di-didn't we kiss, last night?"  
"did we? i think we did," he smiles.

he remembers.

i nod, breaking eye contact to avoid making this situation any more awkward. clay reaches his hand up to my hair, playing with it and gently massaging my scalp. i'm forced to lock eyes with him again. he opens his mouth slightly, wetting his lips. i can hear his breathing hitch as he gradually leans closer and closer to me.

"wanna do it again?"

i smirk at him, my cheeks tinted a light pink before bravely connecting our lips in a long, passionate kiss. my heart's threatening to jump out of my chest as our tongues brush against each other. i let clay explore every corner and crevice of my mouth, slowly and tenderly.

his hands are everywhere; in my hair, cupping my cheeks, on my sides and even sneaking their way up under my shirt. i have to hastily pull away before i get too excited.

"damn.."  
"that was amazing," clay whispers, finishing my sentence for me.  
"you taste like shit," i giggle, wiping my mouth.  
"thank you, same to you."

just as i prepare to give clay another little peck, a loud thump echoes from inside the house. we quickly let go of each other, trying to act natural as two girls come stumbling out the door, laughing hysterically. they're barely dressed.

the shorter girl's spaghetti strap has slipped off her shoulder, almost revealing her entire breast underneath. her jet black hair resembles a crow's nest sticking out of the bun she's tried to contain it in. the taller girl is only wearing a white lace bra and blue cotton shorts showing half her ass.

a few seconds later nick bursts out the door too, grinning from ear to ear and looking about as rough as the girls. he gives us a thumbs up, making us both chuckle loudly.

"nick is a bit of a chick magnet if you haven't noticed."  
"and i think i'm a bit of a george magnet."  
"shut up!"  
"am i wrong though?"  
"no you're not, you snack," i sigh.


	13. transitions

"how were the girls?"  
"they were very nice."

nick smirks, almost stumbling over his own feet, presumably still dizzy from last night.

"you're too wild man," i groan, slapping him on the back as we walk down the street, "one day you're gonna get chlamydia or something."  
"what?! i'm not a prostitute!"  
"no, but you sleep around like one."

he crosses his arms, pouting at the ground. clay's loudly wheezing at our exchange, and as usual it's highly contagious. i burst out laughing too, causing nick to fake pout even more aggressively.

"i'm just kidding lil bro, i love you."

i stop in my tracks, grabbing the side of his head and placing a quick kiss on his cheek for forgiveness. his unkempt stubble feels scratchy against my lips, and i can't hold back a cringe as i pull away.

"ew, shave that."  
"never," he argues, face flushed a hot pink, "i look hideous shaven! and besides, the ladies love it."  
"i'll never understand girls," i mutter, burying my face into clay's chest, practically begging for a hug.

he gladly accepts, leaning down and whispering "shorty" in my ear. i don't even react anymore. it's just a sweet pet name to me.

if i could choose, i'd want clay to always use his pet names and never call me by my real name again. they make me feel all warm and cozy inside, like i'm really his even though we never agreed on being something more. hopefully i can gather enough courage to ask him about it, unless he brings it up himself.

"you're just jealous cause you can't grow a beard yourself, baby face," nick taunts.  
"whatever you say," i scoff back.  
"okay, but in all seriousness, i love you too dude. now just stay here and let me get a pack."

i nod as he walks away, diving into the corner store just ahead. clay releases me from his grasp and sits down on the concrete below us, resting against a brick building.

"you guys are so cute," he chuckles, patting the empty spot beside him for me to sit down on.  
"he's just like a little brother to me honestly. i could tell you some backstory if you want."  
"go on, i'm listening."

scooting closer to him, i start explaining.

"well, you and i began talking about a year ago, and i think i met nick like a couple of months before that. i don't know if you knew about this but i used to do some really... heavy stuff.

i had moved over to america to kind of get a fresh new start, away from all the people back in england who resented me. unfortunately i wasn't in the best place mentally, and i ended up in the wrong hands with the wrong people. i got evicted from my shabby apartment pretty quickly as all my rent money started going to booze and drugs instead.

that didn't bother me too much though, i would still party practically every hour of every day, trying to be some sort of happy, to get by."

i sigh as clay wraps an arm around my shoulders, urging me to continue.

"it was just horribly destructive. if i wasn't high i was hungover, craving more substances.

one day i was smoking alone at a house party when i saw nick wandering around looking like a lost puppy. i guess i was the least intimidating person there, cause he came straight up to me and started venting.

we shared that joint as he told me about how he'd been kicked out by his parents just a few days prior, and how he didn't know where to go. i think i even have a vague memory of him crying on my shoulder, but i'm not sure," i laugh.

"anyway, we ended up getting to know each other for hours that night. he followed me as i left the house, and we slept together on a street corner. we became close really fast. he didn't dare leave my side.

nick was the only person i felt i could actually trust out here. everyone else just wanted to hurt me for their own benefit, but nick couldn't hurt a fly. he just wanted to survive.

as much as i wished to protect him, my addictions still had the upper hand. he would watch me waste away every single day. a lot of times i screamed at him for no reason, told him he was a pussy and a useless piece of shit. yet he still remained by my side, loyal as ever. he knew it wasn't the real me that told him these things.

one day i woke up to him crying in his sleep. it shattered what pieces i had left of my heart. in that moment i vowed to quit cold turkey. not a great idea of course, as the withdrawals can become life threatening, but i pushed through for as long as i could.

i relapsed many times, but each time it got easier to get back on track. my relationship with nick improved, he got more confident and drifted away from me a couple of times, but he always came back no matter what. he's honestly like the family i never had. you are too."

i snuggle closer to clay as i finish that sentence, to show my gratitude.

"damn, shorty finna make me cry," he says, lightly laughing to stop the obvious tears welling up.  
"thank you for everything. i mean, without your money and support me and nick would've been dead long ago."  
"don't say that-"  
"it's true."

those words earn me a few soft pecks on the forehead, like small injections of straight dopamine. i couldn't be any happier than i am at this exact moment, with clay right here by my side.


	14. virgo

"i got paid! guys, guys! i got paid!"

clay practically flies out of the white stone building, scaring both me and nick out of our fuzzy thoughts. his whole demeanor screams happiness and relief. nick jolts up as he begins to take in what clay's just said and i follow suit, not prepared for the sudden blood pressure drop the action would bring.

"dude! does that mean-"  
"we're staying at a motel tonight!"

to our surprise he engulfs us in a group hug. my arms aren't long enough to reach around both their bodies but i do my best to keep the moment intact.

"you're a lifesaver," i mumble into his shirt, barely audible.  
"this is gonna be the first time i've slept in a proper bed for ages man," nick chimes in. "i swear you're like my dad."

clay chuckles, ruffling our hair after releasing us from the tight grip.

"i think it's enough to stay plenty of nights, we'll just find some place cheap but good."  
"like our own little apartment," i sigh, taking his hand and loosely playing with his fingers.

his gaze lands softly upon my face, scouring all my insecurities in only a couple of seconds. it lingers on my lips for a bit too long. i'm just about to say fuck it and go for it when i remember that nick is standing right next to us.

we haven't mentioned anything about us to him yet, even though it can't be hard to catch onto what we're doing. the constant flirting, the giggling and the cuddling. i know nick would take it just fine, that he'd be over the moon for my sake, but the problem is that not even i know what's up with us.

clay didn't explicitly tell me he wanted to be more than friends, but he keeps stealing little pecks on my cheeks, my forehead and anywhere else you could think of when nobody's watching. that, paired with the looks he gives me and the events of the party, tell a story of its own.

i'm just not sure how to bring it up with him, as emotions tend to be hard for me to communicate. for the moment i might as well leave it alone, as i have a vague feeling it'll work itself out naturally anyway.

"well, what are we waiting for?" he chants, hand still in mine, "let's go!"

he drags us along the dusty sidewalk, performing more of a skip than a regular walk. the sunset isn't visible behind the city's architecture, but the adamant approach of nightfall is still noticeable. bars and nightclubs have their bright neon signs lit, and the streetlights are starting to make a difference too. crickets are hiding in even the smallest plots of vegetation lining the road, chirping without rest.

i've always lived for that free feeling, that feeling of running around and enjoying the cooling evening air without any plans of returning home. you don't know where you're going, you just know it feels right. but maybe that exact mindset is what led me to this life i'm living today. maybe it wasn't so good after all.

"i can only get one room unfortunately so i hope you're okay with all three of us sharing a queen bed."  
"ugh," i groan, "i already have nick's cock in my mouth every single night sleeping rough, but fine i guess."

i say it jokingly as always but nick almost seems hurt by my comment. he's a cute pouter and a great actor, but this time he doesn't even laugh. i add a "just kidding, you know i love you" to finish my statement, and it appears to cheer him back up a little.

clay closely scans the motels we pass, each new one sleazier than the previous. i'm guessing our goal is to find a decent looking place without five prostitutes and a cop car out front. i take advantage of the silence between us to adore the boy whose hand i still have in mine.

his youtube name is dream, and i think it fits him perfectly. he's just like a stunning dream, but one you experience in real life, conscious and sober. my dream. my dream boy.


	15. red

the chipped, marine blue door swings shut as i step out onto the balcony, a wave of humid air crashing into me. menacing thunder is rumbling in the distance, streaks of light waltz between the clouds. i only came out here for a cigarette, but it looks like i might be staying a little longer to witness mother nature's show.

i walk down the roof covered stairs, leading straight out onto the sidewalk. the lighting from inside the reception shines dimly beside me as i lean my back against the building's brick wall. i fumble around searching for my pack, feeling the craving manifest itself as an itching sensation in my fingers.

my lighter doesn't wanna cooperate in the unstable weather. i have to flick it multiple times while trying to hide away from the wind. the reward finally comes when i get to take my first drag.

traffic is scarce, presumably cause people are staying inside avoiding the nearing storm. apart from the occasional thunder and the two women arguing on the other side of the street, the night is pretty much silent. i shut my eyes, letting the nicotine carry me away.

suddenly a pair of hands grab my shoulders, shaking them without warning. i get so scared i almost drop my cigarette. i'm almost about to spin around and start throwing hands when clay jumps into sight, beaming with joy.

"dude, you scared the shit out of me!" i scold.  
"sorry boo," he teases, "just wanted to spend some time with you."  
"in that case, it's fine."

he frowns when i take a drag, brushing some invisible dirt off my cheek.

"this isn't good for you."  
"you're acting like you don't smoke yourself," i point out.  
"well not as much as you."

rain begins to trickle down from the sky, dotting the sidewalk and making tapping noises against the metal roofing above us. i huddle closer to the wall to not get any drops splashed on me, and clay follows.

a radio or some other kind of music player is switched on inside of the reception, the sound leaking out well enough for us to clearly hear it because of the window's poor isolation. the intro is played by a soothing piano before strings start to fade in. a woman's soft voice echoes from the speakers in what i think is french.

clay glances at me with a spark in his eye, humming along to the melody before taking my hand.

"my mother used to love this song."

he looks lost in old memories, both good and bad ones. his feet seem to start moving on their own with the slow rhythm. he takes a steadier grip on my hand, lightly tugging on it like he wants me to follow him.

"come dance with me," he proposes, backing away from the guarding roof and out into the wild, where the falling raindrops are rapidly multiplying.

i hesitate for a second before stepping away from my safe zone. he stops me under the large motel sign, glowing in a dark hue, most likely red. my heart is as confused and infatuated as my mind when he gently snakes his arms around my waist, pulling me in so that our torsos are almost touching.

"i-i can't really dance," i stutter, gaze flickering between him and the outside world.  
"just follow my lead and it'll be okay."

to show me where to put my arms he grips them, draping them around his shoulders and neck before resuming his previous position. we're already way too wet for my liking, but drying clothes will have to be a later problem i guess.

he looks me deep in the eyes as his legs begin moving. i do my best to follow along and match his pacing, but it feels awkward and unbalanced. i keep having to break our eye contact to look down at his feet, as if that would help correct it.

"hey, relax," he whispers, bringing a hand to my face and carefully pressing my head down against his chest.

my body is pushed closer to his too, so that i can feel every single part of it. the loving gestures help me fully ease into his touch. i close my eyes, savoring the unreal moment. as he notices my relaxation he nuzzles my hair and starts swaying again, very slowly at first to let me get used to the tempo. when i become more and more confident he eventually picks up the pace a little, without any problems from my side.

i feel disconnected from the world in clay's arms, like i'm floating on affection somewhere far far away, where only me and him exist. my rapid heartbeat matches his, conjoining us as one. the sound of the falling rain is drowned out by the singer's marvelous voice, the warm harmonies of the orchestra and by clay's shallow, hitched breathing. mine is unsteady too, almost like i've forgotten how to breathe at all.

we stay there for what feels like hours, hours of pure ecstasy. my mind has wandered off to someplace distant. enchanted by clay's leading touch i remove my head from his chest to meet his beautiful eyes. they're smiling back at me, just as joyous as i feel inside.

the curls of his usually dirty blonde hair has turned a wet brown and stuck to his forehead. i reach up to brush a few away, earning me a little peck on the nose. my cheeks take on a deep pink color from the sweet action.

clay's face is illuminated by the neon sign, accentuating his incredible features. i want to describe to him just how breathtakingly gorgeous i think he is, but when i open my mouth words refuse to come out. he's got me speechless.

the moment the song ends he connects our lips in a long, affectionate kiss. his fingers delicately run through my hair and down the sides of my face and neck. i let my tongue swirl around his, making him noticeably more flustered, limbs trembling.

we pull away after an amazing ten seconds, both lightly panting. clay rests his forehead against mine, still holding me tight.

"what are we?" i wonder, voice shaky.  
"i want you to be mine."

a bolt of lightning strikes down a couple of blocks away, but i don't flinch.

"then i'll be yours."


	16. purple static

i'm laying on my back on top of the flower patterned comforter, my two favorite boys snuggled up against me. nick, my ride or die, my best homie, is resting his head on my chest and clay, the literal carrier of my heart and nowadays also my boyfriend is nuzzling my neck. i've got an arm draped around both of them, protecting them from all the evil in the world. no one wants to move, no one wants to get up.

i open my eyes, staring up at the popcorn ceiling and carefully listening to the raindrops clashing against the outdoor roof. the sound is almost therapeutic to me. occasional roaring thunder and raging winds only add to the cozy atmosphere inside the room. i feel like i'm high even though i haven't smoked since the party. i didn't even know this level of happiness was achievable.

"have i ever told you guys i love you?" i hum.  
"plenty of times," nick laughs, "and i love you too."  
"love you," clay tiredly mutters into the crook of my neck.  
"aww, is someone a wittle sweepy?"  
"mmm.."

i can feel my heart overflow with cuteness inside my chest. holding back the embarrassing squeaks of awe is getting seriously hard.

"oh yeah by the way guys," nick exclaims, "i forgot to tell you this, but my friend julian.. you know julian right, george?"

i nod, encouraging him to continue.

"him and the other boys are doing a basement gig tomorrow at some girl's place, i saw it on a poster just outside of here."  
"i'm guessing you want us to go?"

"hell yeah i do! they're amazing, don't you remember seeing them like last november?"  
"uhhh, last november?" i say, confusion very apparent, "no?"  
"well i know i went with you, you were definitely there."  
"you know what, i probably was, but just too faded to remember it."

nick chuckles, but not because he's entertained. instead, his facial expression changes to a sad one. i carefully let go of clay as he's already fallen asleep so i can hold nick tighter.

"i'm so happy you got out of all that," he sighs, "i couldn't imagine what would've happened otherwise."  
"to be honest i did it mostly for you."  
"what?"

"yeah. seeing you cold, lost and scared as i kept digging my own grave really woke me up. when i realized how much we needed each other and how much i hurt you every time i went on a bender, it felt like a knife had cut right through me. i really care about you man, and that's why i got clean."

my rant has left him speechless, mouth agape. he wordlessly reaches up and places a little kiss of appreciation on my temple. i just smile at his action, wrapping him up in my arms when he comes crawling back. his fluffy, light brown hair smells of cheap shampoo now that he's finally gotten to take a proper shower.

"and you're following tomorrow, right?" he wonders.  
"of course i am. clay too, i'm sure."  
"thank you. for everything."


	17. night out

"come on! before they start dude!"

nick is violently tugging us both along behind him. all three of us are already tipsy and warmed up for the show. occasional guitar riffs, countdowns and mic checks echo out from the run down building. a fairly large crowd of people are starting to file in through the entrance, filling up the room inside.

nick's sudden excitement throws me off since he in general has been acting very strange today. when me and clay came back from the grocery store, i found him moping around in the cramped motel bathroom, looking more down than ever.

i tried to ask him what was wrong, but he just brushed it off and put on an obviously fake smile. my heart hurt a little seeing him like that, clearly something was bothering him. i gave him a hug, told him he could talk to me about anything. still he kept insisting everything was in order.

i shouldn't be worrying about today's small discrepancy in his behavior. we're here to have fun and besides, he looks happier now. though the thought still persists in the back of my mind.

we squeeze through the doorway, merging with the impressively big crowd inside. the air is hot and heavy, but it's just like what i'm used to. nick keeps pulling us closer to the little homemade stage so we'll get a better view of the band.

clay pokes me, points towards our friend and wheezes at his cute enthusiasm. i shrug, just grinning at the normality of his actions. when is nick not a happy-go-lucky soul?

"hey julian!" he shouts, getting the attention of the lead singer who swiftly turns his microphone away.  
"nick? what the fuck man, you're alive! it's been ages!"

the black haired man kneels down to greet nick with a handshake.

"how's shit going?"  
"could be better, as always. but it feels like i'm on the right path."  
"stay on it man, you've always been a good kid. god bless you," julian says, adjusting the mic stand once again to introduce his friend to the audience.

"alright, listen up everybody," he begins, speakers crackling, "this is my buddy nick, and he's homeless. he's been homeless for god knows how long and he's still enjoying life, he's still here tonight and he's still standing so give him a fucking applause!"

all the people cheer and whistle, me and clay included. i take a small sip from my self-made witch potion of vodka and snapple juice, barely flinching at the burning taste. clay gives me an offended look, snatching the bottle out of my grasp and gulping down two whole mouth fulls. so that's how he wants to do it.

we push closer to the stage when nick waltzes over to us again. he's beaming like the sun, and i instantly get the feeling that tonight's gonna be the best night in a long time.

"this first song's called night out," julian exclaims, strumming his guitar to create a familiar riff. maybe i do remember this band after all.

i hold onto clay tightly to prevent myself from falling as the crowd goes wild. nick is already moshing and i feel dizzy. it doesn't take long for me to pull myself together and get into it, and clay quickly loosens up too. we let ourselves go.

"tell me baby that i'm on your mind  
and it happens all the time,  
oh oh  
through my bloodshot eyes,  
tell me baby that you'll never let go  
i've got it under control,  
oh oh"

i'm lost in a sea of chaos, and i love it. the kicks it's giving me are insane. clay looks just as ecstatic and lawless. his wavy hair has stuck to his forehead and his skin is a glowing, clammy mess. bodies are being thrown left and right, tempting me to do a stage dive myself.

a short girl lands on top of me and clay, and as the gentleman he is he carefully helps set her down on the floor when she's had her fun. she winks at him, blonde hair flowing before dancing her way back over to her little squad on the sidelines.

"she's got a ride out  
and she's coming to my house  
she spent the night out,  
she was moaning really loud  
oh i've got it goin' for me  
oh i, i've got it goin' for me"

my movements are uncoordinated and sloppy as i crawl up on stage. i can feel the alcohol kicking in more and more. clay's cackling at my feeble attempts and helpfully gives me a push, right on my ass. it doesn't feel accidental at all, and i find myself enjoying the sensation perhaps a bit too much. no time to think about that when you've gotta pull off a stage dive though.

timed perfectly with the music i launch backwards into the thick mass of people. hands end up everywhere, carrying my weight. i scream out of pure delirium. i'm floating, literally. my body is starting to go numb. a guy holding me up is suddenly pushed, and the imbalance created as a result makes me crash to the ground. i guess i had to come down eventually anyway.


	18. i'm sorry i'm like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't know if it's triggering but f word slur in this one ;(

"and if it's cool you take my sweater  
but i don't want to be with you forever"

despite the depressing lyrics clay lets me slow dance with him, just like last night. the crowd is thinning, people are starting to drop out. those who are left are faded and lounging around, or calmly vibing to the music like us. clay has one hand wrapped around my waist and one tangled in my damp hair. he brings our foreheads together, gently rocking us back and forth.

"i'm sure you could kiss me  
or am i out of luck?  
go to the movies  
and after we could fuck"

i can't describe the millions of emotions rushing through my head. they're all of sweet infatuation, love and satisfaction. i'm numb but clay's touch is still just as powerful, just as amazing. he brings his hand down to cup my cheek, brushing his thumb against my clammy red skin.

i feel like a teenager falling in love for the first time. like i'm someone straight out of a cheesy high school drama.

"and i'll hold your hand for today  
but don't think that we are a thing,  
cause i don't want to be with you forever"

i look into clay's deep, blurry eyes. we're both enjoying the contact until he shuts them, leaving his hot, hitched breath on my lips as the only way of guiding me. i follow suit, leaning in ever so slightly to close the small distance.

his soft lips make me forget about everything around us. i fade away to a different kind of place, where only me and him could ever exist. the kiss isn't sloppy like you'd expect from two drunk guys like us. in reality it's slow, controlled and incredibly passionate.

his tongue gently brushes against mine, giving me no space to breathe. he tastes like my praised mix of burning vodka and sweet orange juice, and i'm sure i do too. it's lovely. my mind is fuzzy, the background music drowned out.

"text me if you love me tonight,  
if you're lucky you might get a reply"

i fall back into reality when someone calls my name. i don't want this moment to end, but clay reacts too and pulls away before i can stop him.

"george! what the-"

it's nick. he looks completely out of it, stumbling in our direction while almost knocking people over. shit shit shit. i wasn't supposed to let this happen, why did i let him out of my sight? my thoughts are racing. he didn't take anything, did he? please don't tell me he took anything.

"text me if you love me tonight,  
if you're lucky you might get a reply"

he stops a good 5 feet or so away from us, spitting at the floor with a strange expression adorning his face. i inspect his pupils and general appearance and he seems alright. just blackout drunk. a huge wave of relief washes over me.

"are you okay nick?" clay instinctively wonders, approaching him with a hand reached out.

he aggressively slaps it away, a flame of fury rising in his dark eyes.

"don't fucking touch me, fag!"

i gasp at the sentence, grabbing on to clay - who looks as horrified as me - for support.

the foul language has caught the attention of a group of people right beside us who seem to be discussing whether to act or not. i wave at them to hold it off for the time being. if this was anyone else i would've exploded right in their face, but since it's nick i can't bring myself to do that.

surely he doesn't know what he's saying. he's fucked up and clearly something else is wrong. he doesn't mean it...

"text me if you love me tonight,  
if you're lucky you might get a reply"

"dude, what's going on? why are you-"  
"do you think i'm stupid? do you think i haven't seen what you two faggots are up to? walking around smooching and giggling like little girls, huh? fuck you," he hisses, getting uncomfortably close. the harshness of his words hit me like a stab right in the heart. i don't know what to say.

the group of guys decide it's time to step up, approaching nick with caution and gripping both of his arms so he's got nowhere to go.

"calm down buddy, let's get some fresh air," one of them explains, leading my best friend towards the exit.  
"be careful with him! please..."

clay is still frozen in place as their shadows fade away. he looks upset. shocked and upset. i tug at his shirt, attempting to drag him along.

"come on, we need to get out! i have to make sure he's okay, he has to be okay!" i ramble, the panic in my voice becoming more and more apparent.

clay takes my hand, quietly following me to the door. we slither past oblivious girls with their messy hair tied up, past sweaty high guys. my eyes are frantically searching for the brown haired boy as we finally stumble out into the chilly night. the music is becoming more distant, the words more harrowing.

"text me if you love me tonight,  
if you're lucky you might get a reply"


	19. street lights

"nick would never say that! i know he wouldn't! he's not homophobic, he's not like-"  
"calm down george, come here."

clay stops under a graffitied street light and pulls me into a warming hug, stroking my back with his right hand.

"i just don't understand clay! i really don't..."  
"i don't know either baby, but i'm sure he'll be back. he loves you too much to just leave like that."

nick had taken off down an alleyway when the guys let him go. i tried going after him, shouting his name but to no avail. he only seemed to run faster when he saw me behind him, and i ended up being too drunk to catch up. it didn't take long for me to lose him in the dark night.

salty tears are starting to trickle down my face, despite clay's efforts to calm me. he pecks my forehead before letting me cry into his shoulder.

"something is wrong," i sniffle, slurring my words, "why else would he act like that? he's not homophobic, he knew i liked you, i swear he knew! he even thought it was cute.."  
"and he doesn't have a phone?"  
"no! he doesn't have shit! he's gonna-"

clay hushes me before i can finish my sentence. i can't keep the flood of tears in any longer. my sobs get louder, more desperate.

"nothing bad will happen to him, okay?" he explains, rocking me back and forth, "he might be childish but he isn't dumb. he knows how to survive. and when the time comes and he realizes that he misses us he'll come right back, trust me."

"i-it's just that, i've basically raised him you know? he's the only real family i've ever had apart from you of course."  
"i know," he sighs sadly.

the wind howls as it comes rushing between buildings, making this evening even more haunting than it already was. i shiver from the cold it brings. all i want right now is to just fall back onto a comforting bed and pass out, to forget about nick and just sleep it all away. extra points if clay is there to cuddle with me.

"you know what i think?"

i curiously look up at him, eyes red and puffy, but at least the crying's almost stopped.

"i think we should go back to our room and get some well needed rest," he tells me as if he could read my thoughts, "that sound good?"  
"yes please, i just wanna sleeeeep," i groan, almost tripping over my own feet.

we both let out a bittersweet laugh at my misjudgment before beginning our journey back to the motel.

clay keeps his fingers intertwined with mine, occasionally walking a little closer to prevent me from bumping into something or falling. i'm impressed at how steady he is and how well he's behaving and dealing with me. he's clearly intoxicated, just arguably less so than me.

"we go lie down under the sheets together, i can tell you stories, maybe sing for you if you want. not that i can sing but whatever," he slurs dreamily, admiring my flushed cheeks.  
"stop making me excited," i giggle, "save it until we're there cutie."  
"you calling me a cutie, cutie?"  
"yes cutie."

my mind is still overwhelmed by worry but clay's small talk as we pass street light after street light is helping disperse the gray cloud. nick will be okay. he will come back soon, and i will get an explanation. he's gone away before, so what's there to worry about this time?


	20. bedroom eyes

"wake up babycakes."

clay pokes my side teasingly, making me jerk away.

"w-what the hell?" i mutter, confused.

i try to sit up but when the whole room starts spinning i immediately fall down onto my back again.

"oh, a bit hungover are we?" he grins.  
"i guess. don't lie though, i know you are too."  
"a little maybe."

he ruffles my hair and pecks my cheek to make me feel better, and it sure as hell works. a comforting warmth begins to pool in my stomach as a result of his affection.

the haunting memories of yesterday have already been erased from my mind over the course of the night. that gnawing worry is still there though, eating away at my positive thoughts. i just want nick to be okay.

clay, however, leaves no time for overthinking as he climbs on top of me, straddling my hips with his fingers still tangled in my hair. i feel small and helpless under him, but for some reason it turns me on. his strong, veiny hands touch me all over and i do my best to lean into it. without hesitation from either of us our lips crash together in a painfully short but passionate kiss.

"i can't help it," he breathes during our break, "you're too damn hot."  
"just shut up and continue."

he does as i wish, aggressively sliding his tongue into my mouth. i gasp at the sudden action, tensing up before i eventually melt into it. our morning breaths are horrid but we don't let that phase us. he grips my wrists and forces my arms up above my head, fully pinning my body down on the mattress. the control i let him have over me is immense and i love it.

when the make out starts becoming too wet and messy, clay moves on to his next trick to make me weak. he softly leaves lingering kisses all over the vulnerable skin on my neck, until he finds a spot that gets a strong reaction out of me. in this case it's located just below my jawline.

the feeling of his gentle lips against the extremely sensitive part of my skin makes me shiver and lose my breath. he quickly takes note of this, sucking down on the spot and using his teeth to bite it and amplify the pleasure. i try to stifle the shaky moan building up inside but ultimately fail, letting it slip out eventually. i feel like i'm floating on clouds.

before he pulls away clay gives the new, deeply purple hickey a sweet lick. the wild stare he admires me with is so sexy, i can't even wrap my head around it. his wavy, silky hair covering parts of his face, the adorable freckles dotting his nose and cheekbones, his velvety pink lips and most of all, his gorgeous emerald eyes with a look so fierce and lustful.

to me he's like a work of art, carefully sculpted to look as perfect as humanly possible. i can barely speak up when he's finished.

"th-thank you for making me insanely horny first thing in the morning."  
"you're welcome hot stuff."

he gets off of me, sitting up on the bed and reaching for something on the other side.

"i thought we could go on a little picnic today," he says enthusiastically, "you know, to clear our minds and stuff."  
"a picnic? you're gonna bring this up right after we-"

i get a silencing finger placed over my lips.

"shhh, teddy says picnic so we do picnic."

he practically shoves the stuffed bear in my face so i can't object.

"of course we could do that," i agree, voice muffled because of the fluffy item in the way.  
"good. we'll chill here and wake up a bit more then go grocery shopping, alright?"  
"alright, whatever."

i push teddy off my face and sink into the pillow again, yawning and attempting to stretch my legs.

"still tired huh?" clay comments, yawning once himself, "me too honestly."  
"well stop talking so much and come sleep with me then."

he wheezes at my passive-aggressiveness and lays down beside me.

"weren't we supposed to wake up more?"  
"i guess but i just wanna sleep," i groan, flipping over onto my right side.

he snuggles up to my body from behind, spooning me and getting comfortable. i can feel his warm exhales tickle against the back of my neck.

"goodnight again then, honey boo," he mumbles, "see you in a few hours."  
"goodnight cutie."


	21. broken seatbelt

"okay, well, what type of cheese you want?"  
"i don't know, just choose something."  
"i can't choose! that's why i'm asking you george!"  
"oh my fucking- just... take some simple normal cheese!"

"god you're annoying, go get a picnic blanket instead and stop bugging me."  
"why do we need a whole picnic blanket?"  
"because i say so. hush now, go away."

i snort, rolling my eyes and taking off towards a different section of the store. clay practically dragged me down to walmart after our nap to get picnic supplies and food.

i find his enthusiasm rather cute. he's always so happy to do things with me, to just spend time with me. it feels surreal that someone as amazing as clay could fall in love with a dirty street kid like myself. i have no idea what he saw in me that hooked him, or what he still sees today.

all i know is that i'm head over heels for the guy, and that the feelings are mutual. my life couldn't be any more perfect than it is right now.

just as i finish that thought, i'm reminded of the reason we even planned a picnic in the first place. 'to clear our minds and stuff' as clay put it. to clear our minds of yesterday's events. nick.

i swallow the lump building up in my throat. my baby bro. i miss him so much already. but i know there's nothing more we can do. he doesn't have a phone nor any other way we can contact him in. clay keeps telling me he's alright, and that he'll come back eventually, so i'll just have to take his word for it.

i pick out one of the cheaper blankets and make my way back over to clay, who seems to have made a decision regarding the cheese. his eyes light up when he spots me waddling in his direction, and i can't help but smile at how pretty he is. even in this bright, shitty grocery store lighting he's stunning. my heart flutters every time he looks at me.

"like the view?" he teases as i realize i've been staring for way too long.  
"you know i do."

he lets go of the shopping cart, opening his arms for me. i jump right into the embrace, completely oblivious of the move he's about to pull off.

"c'mere," he says, voice low and raspy before picking me up like a toddler, forearms placed under my butt. i blush, instinctively wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. he's beaming with joy and infatuation as he brings our foreheads together. my mouth falls open in pure awe.

with the cutest little smirk he pecks my lips so softly and so quickly that i barely have time to react. another layer of red covers my normally pale cheeks.

"hi baby."

he chuckles after he whispers that, leaving me totally speechless. i hide my face by nuzzling his shoulder, inhaling his sweet scent. people are probably staring, but i couldn't care less.

we continue our shopping trip like nothing's happened. clay balances me with only his left arm, using the other one to pick items off the shelves and putting them in the cart. i could almost fall asleep right here in his grip, like a child against his mother's chest.

"okay," he suddenly interrupts, "it's starting to get heavy now."

i sigh, knowing i'd have to set my feet back down on earth at some point. clay has other plans though, as usual. he carries me over to the shopping cart and sets me down in it, pushing the food aside.

"you wanna go dude?"  
"we're so gonna get kicked out," i giggle, looking back at him who's ready to launch.  
"well boohoo, let's just have some fun."

without hesitation clay starts running, pushing the cart with his helpless boyfriend in front of him. i squeal out of part excitement and part fear. the tiny wheels rustle under me, making the entire metal object vibrate. when he's built up enough speed he adds one last push and then lets go, sending me flying down a long aisle.

at this point both of us are hysterically laughing at the playground behavior, me a bit more than him since i'm the actual victim of his childish crimes.

i end up swerving to the left and crashing into big bags of dog food, basically choking from laughter. clay jumps me from behind, poking my sides just to annoy me.

"see, sometimes you just gotta live a little!"  
"like i haven't been 'living a little' all these years already," i huff, booping his nose.  
"whatever man. let's just get outta here now, we've got everything i believe."

he straightens up the fallen bags before steering towards the checkouts with me, still sitting in the uncomfortable cart like his little toddler. i lean my head back, closing my eyes and just focusing on the usually distressing sounds of the grocery store. maybe today won't turn out so bad after all.


	22. libra

"look what i made you!"

clay comes bouncing towards me through the huge flower field, carrying something light and colorful in his hands. as he skips closer, i notice fine leaves sticking out and various different kinds of flowers decorating the lifeless plant stems. he's made a flower crown.

"what! how did you make this?" i exclaim, grinning widely.  
"i don't know, i just tied it all together."

even though my colorblindness won't allow me to see the crown in its full glory, i can still tell it's vibrant and pretty. he kneels down on the checkered picnic blanket, placing the creation carefully on my head.

"how do i look?"  
"fucking gorgeous."

his lips meet mine before i even get a chance to breathe. i wrap my legs tightly around his waist, pulling him down on top of me. he grabs my thighs, caressing them gently as i get lost in the moment, lost in his electrifying touch.

the last heat of the disappearing sun grazes the side of my face and makes clay's stunning eyes sparkle as we pull away. his perfectly smooth, tanned skin glows in the warm light, his usually dirty blonde hair appearing exotically golden. my heart stutters, i shiver. he's breathtaking.

"god you're beautiful," i mouth, brushing through his soft hair with my fingers. he smiles so delicately that i almost melt.  
"you're too sweet, mon chéri."  
"just stating facts, amante."

clay's iconic little wheeze after our exchange is almost as cute as he is himself. i boop him on the nose just to lovingly annoy him more.

"do you actually wanna eat or are we just gonna awkwardly stay like this?" he asks me.  
"it's not awkward but sure, bring it over. i ain't going anywhere."

he moves away from me to grab the bags of groceries we bought earlier and pull them closer. without looking, he takes out a box of fresh strawberries and a packet of pocky sticks, picking out one of the small red berries and eating it. i try and reach over to take one for myself from where i'm laying, but my puny arms are too short so i'm forced to give up, sighing.

"hold on, don't be so impatient shorty."

clay lies down beside me, placing the food between us. i turn over so that i'm on my side, facing him. he picks up a strawberry by its crown and positions it close to my mouth.

"open up," he chuckles.

my cheeks turn the same color as the berry itself as i obey. i take a bite, enjoying the sweet fruity taste and clay's adorable smile. when i'm done chewing i grab one myself, motioning for him to repeat what i've just done. he gladly does, eating it up with that goofy grin still on his face. afterwards he opens the pack of pocky sticks, pulling one of the snacks out and sticking one end in between his teeth.

"okay, now you take the other end."  
"stop, that's like the cheesiest thing you've ever done," i nervously laugh.  
"maybe, but, pwease? for me?"

his shiny puppy eyes have got me weak and i groan, giving in to his wishes by holding the chocolate coated part with my front teeth. he bites down on the crunchy stick, breaking it apart bit by bit, slowly making his way to the middle.

i follow suit, trying to balance the snack without making the situation even more awkward. as we get teasingly close, we both shut our eyes in anticipation. i can feel his breath on my face, hear the little crunches nearing.

his lips are soft and wet as usual, sending my head spinning. i attempt to add tongue but soon realize the nasty, soggy crumbs present in both our mouths clash horribly. with a cringe i pull away to the disappointment of my dear boyfriend.

"that was disgusting!"  
"oh whatever, shut up. it was worth trying at least, right?"  
"i guess so."

he wraps his arms around me in a long warm embrace, one of those that will never fail to make the butterflies in my stomach go wild. my body feels numb, like i'm out of touch with reality. i would do anything to freeze time and stay in this moment forever.

he suddenly lets go of me slightly, moving me up so i can look straight into his glimmering orbs.

"i love you baby," he says, voice unsteady but honest, "i love you so much."

for a little while i forget how to speak, and how to breathe. it takes me a good few seconds to reply.

"i love you more."


	23. heavy heart

a few weeks have passed since nick's disappearance. the worry has been steadily growing in me. i thought it would fade and things would clear up as the days passed, but it's hard to not constantly think about him.

one night when i was laying in bed just pondering a haunting thought flashed by. what if he doesn't come back? what if i never get to see my best friend again?

all this time i'd been hoping, hoping with good confidence that he would just appear one day. a knock on the motel door, and a happy reunion. hugs, cuddles. everything would be back to normal. but i'm not so sure about it anymore, and honestly it's terrifying. what if he truly doesn't wanna be associated with me? how will he live on? how will i live on?

i take a nervous drag off my cigarette, sighing as clay is trying to get us into the club. at least i have him here, even though i still can't comprehend why he would stay for so long. his original plan was to stay for a week or two and then go back to florida, but clearly that's out the window. man, what love can do to people.

subconsciously i slide my hand into my pant pocket, feeling the small plastic baggie with my fingertips. didn't i promise clay i wouldn't touch anything like this ever again? don't be stupid now george. think before you do something dumb tonight.

"come georgie!"

his voice is barely audible over the pumping music as he waves me over to the entrance, decorated with bright neon led strips and strobe lights. i swiftly butt my cigarette after one last drag, entering the crowded club hand in hand with my lover.

the air inside is hot and humid as expected. some people are already hitting the dance floor despite the early hour, some are circling around the bar for more drinks and some are casually lounging in whatever peaceful corners they can find. a couple is making out right by the loudspeakers. i chuckle a little as it strongly reminds me of clay and myself.

"wanna get blasted straight away?" he smirks, tugging on my wrist, "don't worry, i've got money."  
"why not."

i've never really been to a more high-end club like this one before - if you could even call this average looking place 'high-end' - simply cause i've lacked the money. and to be honest i prefer the cute, run down basement clubs too. i like all things trash.

that's where i find my people. the people who are outcasts, looked down upon by normal society, just like me. they might seem intimidating at first, with their worn old clothes and free attitudes, but once you start talking to them you quickly find out they've got hearts of gold inside. we're all just out here trying to survive after all.

clay leans over the bar, putting a finger up to catch the bartender's attention.

"two glasses of whiskey please."  
"woah, we're drinking whiskey now?" i exclaim, surprised.  
"my treat, honey."

he drapes an arm around me as we watch our drinks being poured. the heat from his body is making me sweat, but i don't mind. it's not like we won't be sweating tonight anyway.

i grab the glass as soon as it's done, swallowing all of the liquor in a few big gulps. clay turns to me, an almost offended look present on his face.

"god, you animal! you're supposed to drink it slowly!" he scolds, sipping his to show me how it's done.  
"i thought we were both animals," i wink, nudging him.  
"oh," he whispers in my ear, "you know i'm only an animal in bed baby."

i gasp, giggling and blushing like a little girl. he really knows just what buttons to push to make me weak and flustered.

"how about something more... exotic, next? a sex on the beach, maybe?"  
"sure. you don't have to keep buying me fancy ass drinks though, you know that right?"

the smooth lighting behind the bar fades from one color to the next, giving the nightclub yet another luxurious but charming quality. an old school edm song comes to an end, the speakers now blasting a classic by avicii instead. it motivates many people to step onto the floor and forget about all their worries.

girls are wearing nice, tight fitting dresses and most of the men have got casual button-up shirts paired with stylish jeans. nothing like what i'm used to seeing on a night out.

i fondle the ziplock bag once again.

"as i said, my treat."


	24. i hope you're doing okay

i'm lost in the music, lost in the moment. the wild movements are making me agitated. the song is pounding through my head. my fingertips are tingling. it's so hot i can barely breathe.

clay dances closer, coming right up to my body. i don't mind the extra heat if it means i get to touch him. his face is blurry, but he's still beautiful. the greasy dark blonde locks are stuck to his forehead, his clammy, shimmering skin. it's beautiful. he radiates happy, chaotic energy and i'm living for it as i can feel myself coming down.

i already took a pill tonight, but i think he was too drunk to notice. the high wasn't even that good. it just made me feel strange, and out of touch with reality. not giddy and confident as usual. and now that i'm slipping out of it the effects are even worse.

trevor has always kept his shit high quality, so i don't get why something would be different this time. maybe the cops bust another hideout, and they just had to add whatever other substances they could find to still sell.

all that matters right now however, is that i crave another.

when clay momentarily looks away i take the opportunity, turning around and popping a pink one.

"george?"

fuck.

"hm?"

we can't hear each other well over the music and the people cheering and screaming. it doesn't help that everything sounds like it's been buried several feet underwater.

he grabs ahold of me, trying to get me to look him in the eyes.

"what was t-that?"

my muscles refuse to listen, eyes swaying around and looking anywhere but him.

"it's- just... nothing," i mutter incoherently.  
"george? what.. did you take?"  
"just m-molly."

clay carefully snakes an arm around my waist, pushing us out of the crowd on the dance floor. his grip is making me tingly, making my head spin.

"let's.. let's get you outta here," he stutters, "this place ain't- ain't good for yous."

we both leave the club stumbling over our own feet, me more than him. the cold air that hits me as we fall through the exit gives me chills. i start shaking, clinging onto my boyfriend for warmth. his skin is hot unlike mine which is pale and icy. i lean against him as much as possible, letting him lead me away from the turmoil. my legs feel weak and unsteady. i'm losing control fast.

"woaahh," clay slurs, "you're really out o-of it."

i try to open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

"come on, let's go sleep."

the ambient sounds from cars, junkies and nightclubs are fading. the street lights are fading. the slight tingling in my fingertips have been replaced by an overwhelming numbness. my limbs are gone and i have to solely rely on clay to take me back to the motel. clay...

"this night was pretty- pretty intense like, i d-don't think i've partied-"

nodding off..

"i hope you had... fun too."

keep steady.

"george!"

that's not clay speaking.

"george!"

but i recognize the voice.

"i'm so happy to see you man!"

too well.

"it's been ages!"

i trip.

"shit, okay.."

"come, let's just- just sit here for now."

clay's voice again.

"we can rest a little."

his hands, pulling me down.

"just... just rest, a little."

concrete. but i can't feel it.

"you're okay, right? w-want some water?"

limply shaking my head.

"okay. you'll feel better, better tomor-"

"george..."

"wake up..."

"i wouldn't wanna lose you out here again."

sleep overcomes me.


	25. kicking your bruises

clay's pov  
_____________________

the sunlight pierces through my eyelids, forcing me awake. i groan, stretching my limbs and exhaling. i'm still dizzy from last night. the two stone buildings around me are only separated by this narrow alleyway full of trash and old, broken furniture. straws of grass have found their way up through cracks in the concrete, at least decorating the gray surroundings somewhat.

"god, that was a hell of a night," i sigh, chuckling a little at my hoarse, hungover voice, "don't you think so george?"

i turn my head to look at him, nudging him with the back of my hand to steal his attention.

"george?"

i repeat his name when i don't get a response.

an anxious frown spreads upon my face as i move closer to him, sitting up on my knees. his neck is craned back in a strange way, mouth hanging open. his entire body is stiff and unnaturally positioned, limbs sprawled out everywhere. sickly white foam coats his deep blue lips, the tips of his fingers taking on the same haunting color. i touch his ice cold arm, only to find the pale gray skin sinking in under my thumb.

"g-george!"

his cloudy, lifeless eyes stare right into mine as i let out the most harrowing scream. tears spill down my face faster than a waterfall. my chest tightens up until i can barely breathe anymore, until my shriek dies down. i bring his limp body down on the ground, scrambling in a panic to start cpr. he's not gone yet, if i just resuscitate him...

"h-help! please help! pl-please..."

i yell my lungs out, begging and pleading for someone to come around the corner as i keep doing chest compressions. i need to call an ambulance but i can't stop. i can't risk george slipping away from me. my violent cries fuck up my breathing. i'm starting to feel lightheaded.

when i'm starting to lose hope a short, skinny woman appears at the end of the alleyway. she sees me desperately huddled over my dying boyfriend and swiftly runs towards us to assist.

"what the hell happened?"

her accent is a thick, southern one. she's got light blonde, almost white thin hair falling over her shoulders and multiple wrinkles covering her sunken cheeks. as she kneels down to inspect george i notice her skin is deeply tanned, arms covered in scabs and wounds.

"i-i-i don't know.. i- he od'd, i think i don't- i don't kn-know," i choke out in between panicked yelps. my hands fumble after the phone in my back pocket to call paramedics.

"what did he take? do you know?"  
"h-he said just.. just molly b-but-"  
"oh, this isn't just molly hunny," she says, shaking her head and reaching for something in her bag, "this is an opioid."

my thumb hits the call button.

"well do something! please..."

i'm shaking too much, my hands have become too weak. i can't even continue the cpr anymore. the woman looks at me with ounces of sympathy and i think i can even spot a tear rolling down her weathered cheek. she hurriedly pulls out a small red box containing naloxone from her backpack, opening it up but hesitating when she's about to take the auto-injector out.

"listen, i-"  
"what are you doing! co-come on, inject it!" i holler, not realizing that i'm being aggressive.  
"he's long gone son, don't you understand? hours, i would bet. there's no saving 'em."

"911, what's your emergency?"

"no n-no no no, he's still... h-he's still here, he-"

"do you need police or ambulance sir?"

the woman quickly takes the phone from my hands, starting a conversation with the operator.

"i need an ambulance, probable opioid overdose, uh..."

i fall into a pile on the hard ground, clutching my sides and crying out in pain. both mental and physical pain. the woman's voice is drowned out as i watch her administer the naloxone against her will. she uses her knuckles to rub george's chest, watching hopelessly for a response. a minute passes, two. no signs of life.

i crawl up to his head, cupping his cold cheeks and planting an unforgettable kiss on his forehead. wet tears trickle down the sides of my face, landing on his.

my mind is filling with our happy memories; all the times we cuddled in bed, all the times we would lay down and tell each other stories late into the night, our high make outs, our long deep talks, the ferris wheel, the flower field picnic, the house party where we kissed, the first time we had sex, all our drunken shenanigans..

"i'm sorry hunny, i'm so sorry."

i grab his shoulders, shaking them in one last attempt to make him wake up. then i lose myself. he's dead, and i'll never get to see him again. i'll never again get to hold him in my arms and kiss his soft lips. i'll never again get to tell him how much i love him and i won't get to hear those words back. i scream again, an even more bloodcurdling and heart wrenching scream than before.

i scream until my lungs give out, until my throat burns.

i scream as the woman tries to pat my back and calm me down.

i scream enough to attract a small crowd of onlookers, keeping their distance but still curiously observing the scene.

i scream when the paramedics arrive.

i scream when they take my baby boy away from me.

i scream over their voices telling me everything will be okay.

i scream in agony as the love of my life is wheeled into the ambulance on a stretcher.

i scream as they drive off without the sirens on, leaving me empty handed, with only my shattered heart left on the concrete.

i love you so much george, don't you ever forget that.


	26. healing process (new beginnings)

epilogue

clay's pov

one year later

\--------------

i pull into the nearly empty parking lot, only a few old pickups scattered around the perimeter. my eyes scan the dark area for the specific person i've planned to meet. i've only got a flickering motel sign and the headlights of my car to trust this early in the morning. the sun most likely won't rise for another hour.

as i make a left turn, the bright lights shine upon a figure carrying a big backpack. he's wearing a white hoodie and dirty ripped jeans, his fluffy brown hair a cute mess. as he looks up from his phone, distracted by the sudden change in lighting, i immediately recognize his face. i roll my window down, greeting him while slowing the car and parking right next to the curb.

"clay!"

the doors unlock with a clicking sound allowing me to exit. as soon as i'm on my feet he practically launches himself into my arms. i'm a little taken aback at first, but after a short moment i melt into the hug, burying my face in the shorter boy's shoulder.

"i've missed you man.."  
"i've missed you too, nick."

we let go only after a good five seconds.

"how are things?" he wonders, his lips curled up in a huge smile.  
"they're as good as they can be, i guess."  
"you've blown up! it's crazy dude."  
"i know," i laugh, "i never thought it'd be possible."

my youtube channel really started taking off late last year to my great surprise. i thought i'd never make it big, thought i'd always be stuck in the minimum wage loop. then all of a sudden luck just seemed to be on my side.

now i've got millions of subscribers, millions of views on every video, more money than i can physically spend and i'm still steadily growing. it's truly mind boggling and i know i'll be forever in debt to my fans, the people who made all of it possible. who made one of my biggest dreams come true.

"how about you? any luck in terms of housing?"

"well," he starts, placing a hand on the hood, "one of my friends offered me a job at his company. not legal of course, but it gets me some cash. i'll never be able to afford an apartment or anything with my current money but he lets me stay over at his place a lot. if he needs me out i usually go hopping between other friends. nothing glamorous, but no more sleeping rough at least."

i smile at him, relieved, motioning for him to get in the passenger seat.

"although sometimes i miss the streets. the unpredictable events, the unprecedented fun. there's nothing else in the world quite like it," he explains, shutting the door and fastening his seatbelt. i do the same.

"honestly, those weeks i stayed over here last year," i say and pause, starting the engine, "i think were the best weeks of my life. i've never felt such... such freedom, i guess is the word for it. i can see how it's become a home for you."

nick nods as i hit the gas, getting us out of the desolate parking lot and onto the equally lonely highway, stretching miles ahead. occasionally a few cars will pass us but other than that we're all alone, only the roaring engine preventing complete silence.

i sigh, leaning back in the leather seat and watching the tiring street lights flash by. a handful of stars are present in the night sky, but the industrial lighting of this concrete helltown makes them hard to spot. at least the moon dares shining confidently. i can even see the gray specks dusting its otherwise so perfectly white surface.

"is it okay if i smoke?" nick asks, breaking the long, tense silence.   
"yeah."

he slips the package of marlboro reds out of his pant pocket, opening it and placing a cigarette between his lips. his lighter stubbornly flickers a few times before finally producing a smooth flame. he takes a long drag, clearing his throat after to say something more.

i already know what he's about to bring up. he gives me another little while to mentally prepare before he begins speaking again.

"are you- are you fine with talking about george?"

it's obvious it would be mentioned at some point. the elephant in the room, as you would call it.

"it's okay."  
"do you know, well, what happened to him? i know he od'd, but nothing more than that. and you were with him that night," he carefully questions, watching me from the corner of his eye, "d-did he relapse?"

i press my lips into a thin line, swallowing before explaining the situation.

"they emptied his pockets before the autopsy and took the ziplock bag. sent the contents in for swab testing or whatever," i say, keeping my voice calm and monotonous, "and found that the ecstasy was laced with fentanyl. not much but, enough. you know how potent it is."

"damn," nick mouths, exhaling a cloud of smoke and looking down into his lap.  
"bastards wanted to lower the cost, get more money, so they cut corners. used fucking fentanyl to amplify the effect and still get away with it. the dealer didn't know. i've heard it's common business nowadays, and they don't care. so there was no real ill-intent behind it. it was all just... a freak accident."

"man.. i don't even know what to say."

i keep my eyes strictly on the road to avoid nick's gaze. i wouldn't wanna start crying.

"when i heard the news i-" he anxiously rants, "well at first i didn't believe it. overdoses aren't uncommon out here you know, but, not george. george couldn't be gone, there was no way. it took me some time but when i finally realized it was real i just- i lost it. it hurt so much. it hurt in here clay."

he pounds his chest with his fist, audibly fighting to keep the tears from flowing.

"it hurt so so much. it felt like something i would never recover from, ever. he meant the world to me, i cared about him like he was family. he saved my life for god's sake! and i couldn't even be there to save his.."

i open my mouth to reply but can't find the words. my hand instead finds its way up onto his shoulder, gently stroking it. he shoots me a sad but thankful look at the contact, rolling down the window and tossing his cigarette out of it.

when the conversation once again dies down he starts absentmindedly fiddling with his hair. he curls the brown strands around his fingertips, occasionally brushing a whole hand through the unkempt fluffy mess. his faintly green eyes have diverted their focus to nothing.

the blank stare makes a thought pop up in my head. it reminds me of something. something i thought of for the first time long ago. something i thought of at the carnival, at the night of the concert and a few times after his disappearance.

i furrow my eyebrows as i steer us onto the breathtaking california state route 1, the endless sandy coast appearing behind the row of buildings alongside the asphalt.

malibu 6

"you were in love with him, weren't you?"

moments pass. nick's lack of a response tells me everything.

"i'm so sorry."

he bites his lip before letting it all out.

"i knew he liked you even before you came to visit. he told me. not outright, but it was obvious. and you were such a charming, attractive guy. he was head over heels man, as soon as he saw you. it was so sickly bittersweet to me.

i tried to help him get closer to you, and it worked. you were adorable together. but at the same time it felt like getting stabbed thousands and thousands of times right in the heart. i did my very best to keep myself together though. i still got to cuddle with him, still got to peck his cheek sometimes, and get pecks from him back."

he pauses, taking a deep breath as he confesses.

"i.. i slept around with girls to take the pain away. to get my mind off of him, i guess. i was completely heartbroken. sex helped temporarily, at least in the beginning. this started way before you even came into the picture, by the way.

some girls i dated were really nice people too. like julia. she had everything. she was cute, playful, caring and just amazing. i would've been madly in love with her if it wasn't for george. i think i did start to catch feelings at some point, but then one night i lost her in the crowd at a party. never saw her again. i don't know why she never came back. maybe she found out. i have no idea.

i reached my breaking point the day of that show. i cried in the bathroom in the morning. george found me just after i'd stopped, thank god. i could tell he was worried, but i needed to keep it in.

then we got drunk and you know the rest. i just- i just snapped. i couldn't control myself. i know it's not an excuse for the things i said but.. i had to distance myself. at that point i didn't care if it would make george hate me, i just knew i had to get away from him and let him live his life."

his voice breaks at the last sentence. please don't cry, i silently pray, please don't cry.

"a-and now i regret it so bad. i didn't think it would be- it would be the last time i-"

it's getting harder for him to speak as his breathing starts hitching, tears building up.

"the last time i saw him. could you imagine? the last thing him i told him w-was 'fuck you'. i feel so pathetic, he must've despised me after that, h-"

"he did not despise you, nick," i reassure him, "he was worried sick about you. he knew you didn't mean what you said, okay? don't worry about that. he still loved you just as much as he did before."

he smiles the saddest, most hurt little smile i've ever witnessed before his frown swiftly returns again.

"it still isn't how i wanted things to end between us. if i had just stayed, maybe confessed to him.."  
"no more ifs nick. what's happened has happened. it's in the past now. you couldn't have changed anything. it was a horrible accident."

immediately after i've said that a familiar pang of guilt hits me like a punch in the stomach. i could've saved george's life. it's my fault for getting so drunk i didn't even notice when he popped the first pill. i could've stopped the entire chain of events. if i hadn't passed out so quickly i would've noticed that something was wrong. i would've called 911 in time and they would've saved him. but it's all in ruins now.

my fault, it echoes, my fault.

this isn't the first time i'm having these thoughts either. they've been reoccurring ever since that day. i push them aside for a little while, picking the conversation back up again.

"i just wanna-" i gulp, "i-i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. for everything. for coming to cali. for breaking your heart, for... putting you through all this pain."  
"please don't be. it's not your fault," nick coos, placing his hand on top of mine.  
"it could've been avoided! if i never came to visit, if we never dated-"

"no," he sternly interjects, "stop it. that look in his eye every time you were around, i'm telling you man, i've never seen anything like it. never seen that kind of adoration coming from him. he loved you so so much, with all his heart. anyone could tell. i could bet you billions of dollars that there wasn't a point in his existence where he was happier than during that time with you. and i'm glad he died happy, having just experienced the best month of his life."

i glance at his neutral expression for just a second before focusing back on the curved road again.

"my conclusion is, don't beat yourself up over it. he fell for you, not me, and that's just the way it is."

the rest of the drive is done in complete silence. neither of us have got more to say. we're both mentally exhausted.

the gps indicates that a right turn is coming up. we've already travelled on an increasingly elevated road, so this should be the last bit before we've reached our final destination. long, flawless gardens full of roses, tulips and all kinds of plants decorate the plots alongside the road.

nick observes the scenery with wide eyes, admiring the neatly trimmed grass and perfectly cut bushes like he's never seen anything like it before. as we keep driving further up the hill the houses get more and more fancy. some have big, pimped out fountains in the front yard and large swimming pools lit up in rainbow colors.

we pass one last lavish mansion before i spot the right place. a ding from the gps tells me we've arrived. i hit the brakes, parking my car just in front of the garage. when the engine shuts off only the chirping of stray crickets fills the air. it's almost eerie somehow.

before exiting, i turn my body around to get a plastic bag with some important things inside from the backseat. it rustles in my hands.

i bite my lip, pushing the door open and climbing out. nick does the same. the house we're looking at isn't nearly as decked out or luxurious as the full-on mansions down the street but it's still nice. two stories, a spacious garage, a big garden, balconies, a pool and huge windows to gush over the view from.

i reach for the keys in my pocket, sticking them in the lock and turning them. the black, glass paned door gives off a clicking sound, allowing entry. carefully i pull the handle down, opening it slowly like i'm in a horror movie. in reality, i'm just thrilled to get to see my new home for the first time in peace.

the faint smell of new, polished wood and fresh paint hits us both as soon as we step inside. the lack of furniture and carpets makes our footsteps echo when we walk. i flip the light switch in the living room, cringing at the intensity of the lamps and quickly dimming them down to instead create a darker, warmer glow.

nick seems to be in awe at the pristine, modern interior, checking out every single room down the hallway before regrouping with me. he observes the lit pool in the garden outside and the white gazebo standing proudly by a heap of rose bushes. his eyes water as he states:

"george would've loved this."

i wrap my arms around him, pulling him into a caring embrace. the tears he's been keeping in for way too long now are finally set free. he cries softly into my shoulder, the powerful sobs coupled with his words making me emotional too. i can't help but let a few hot tears slide down my cheeks.

i stroke his back, attempting to calm him down.

"it'll be a-alright. one day you'll look back at this and just smile at all the nice memories."  
"i just... i just wish he could see this. experience this, you know? h-he didn't.. he didn't deserve to, fuck-"

"nick," i speak, "i promise you he can see it. he's up there, somewhere high up in the sky, looking down at us right now. and he's smiling, he's happy for our sake."

nick sniffles, thanking me for the heartfelt insight. his breathing is slowing again, his whimpers dying down.

"i might need money for an uber to town, sorry if it's an inconvenience or something," he mumbles into the fabric of my shirt.  
"hey, you don't need to leave already," i reply, surprised, "you can stay here for as long as you like. my home will always be open for you, okay? i don't want you couch hopping every night when there's plenty of room here."

he pulls away from the hug, grinning widely with puffy eyes.

"really? thank you so much clay, you're too fucking kind."  
"it's nothing, dude. even though we haven't seen each other in ages you're like one of the best friends i have. i know you'd never stab me in the back."

he giggles, flattered by my words.

"i love you man."  
"i love you too."

i dry my tears, watching him turn around and leave the house to get his backpack from my car. when the sound of his soles clashing with the wooden flooring have faded, i switch my focus over to the plastic bag. i hesitantly stick a hand into it, feeling the contents with my fingertips. the smooth, fluffy material..

the bear's light fur has been tainted slightly by the natural dust from the streets, but it's still just as soft and silky as i remember it. the brown bow around its neck has come undone, now hanging freely like a scarf. the beady black eyes gaze back at me. i bring it to my chest, holding it tightly. i swear i can still smell a tinge of george as i bury my nose into it. my heart skips a beat.

i approach the huge windows in the open-spaced kitchen, overlooking the beautiful hills of malibu. even though the grassy plains are dried out and dull, the greenery of many astounding gardens overtakes the canvas-like view. the plots are filled with fruit and palm trees, plants of all different kinds as well as colorful flowers.

in the distance shallow waves splash up on the long beach. at the horizon where the sea meets the sky a warm light has just awoken. it paints the clouds a strong, pretty pink, creating unique patterns of color around it.

my fingers graze the glass pane, eyes glancing up at the sky.

"i told you i'd buy you a mansion georgie."

i swear i can see one of the last stars still shining twinkle a little just then. the sight makes me shiver. my mind can only think of one single thing. my george. we barely got any time together. yet i'm still grateful, so grateful that i even had the chance to meet him at all.

as memories flood in i stay there, watching the sun slowly rise. watching the colors shift. there's a searing pain present in my chest, but i don't cry. maybe it's just because i've got no tears left to let out, i'm not sure. i'm not sure about much these days.

a small feeling plants its seed in the back of my head. i ignore it for a while until it becomes impossible to. it's a feeling of peace, a feeling of growth. and in that moment i know it's time to move on. move on from this daily grieving, move on from the darkness. one day i aspire to feel a complete sense of freedom again. i aspire to break out of this self-destructive chain of sadness i've become trapped in.

but despite that i will never stop loving my georgie, no matter what i will never forget him. he'll always own a great part of my heart that can never be claimed by anyone else. never forget him.

i will never forget you.

____________________

"all good things take time, and... all bad things too. it just takes a little time. it's- it's a process. it's.. a healing process."

the end <3


End file.
